Struggling With Fear
Fear is a relatively new struggle of mine. It started less than two years ago on a flight to Montrose, CO on a trip to Telluride. I’ve never been crazy about flying, but getting on a 13 row plane made me very unhappy. Then, came the turbulence. We were in the wake of a jet for about 20 minutes. My drink flew up out of my cup, people were losing their lunches, and the attendant was bracing herself until she finally had to buckle. Death was imminent, but I was still preparing my husband for a 17 hour car ride home.
Since that flight in April of 2009, God has been renewing my mind as it relates to fear. Before then, I was very critical of people who feared because I found it irrational. Worry and fear are not only a waste of time but sinful. I still hold these beliefs, but I have greater compassion for people with these struggles.
In the darkest hour of this fear, I was avoiding God. I knew He wanted to hurt me or take something from me, so I ignored Him. I would spend hours or days not talking to Him or reading His word. Usually God hurting me (in my mind), means that He will take one of my children. It makes me angry to think He has that kind of control, so I ignore Him. It’s all so very bizarre because I love His power and hate it at the same time. I love and hate fearing Him.
In the midst of this dark time, I was able to see Tim Keller speak. He said we lack peace because our lives are out of order. We love things more than we love God. There it is. I fear losing my children because I love them more than God. I fear dying because I love my life more than I love God. So, my goal has been to love God more. There is no formula. There is no time frame. Just love for God. That is the solution for fear.
I still struggle with fear on some level daily. I talk to God about my fears instead of ignoring Him. I love my kids well because there are no guarantees. I try to love God, then people. And, I plan trips that can be taken in a car. Baby steps.